So I got one of those "URGENT" emails. Unfortunately given the time difference and the fact that I was travelling on the road for work, I was not able to connect with Dr. S directly via phone. She did leave me a message so I knew she tried calling.
So it is sad and disappointing news - no heartbeat was found during this most recent ultrasound. When you get the good news, sometimes you feel like you are still dreaming. When you get the sad news, it also feels like you might be dreaming as well, or more accurately you are having a nightmare and hoping to wake up. Also, each loss is equally devastating no matter your personal circumstances - of course, I feel blessed with what I already have but in no way does that make this sad news easier to handle. I found this photo which represents how I feel right now.
After writing all of that, I am a matter-of-fact individual who logically focuses on what's next. Not that I don't wonder what went wrong but I also know even if that question can be answered, it won't make me personally feel any better - I appreciate that might not be the case for everyone. I also truly believe, what is meant to be, will be. So where do I go from here? Well, I'm not sure just yet. I will take the weekend or so to think about it. My goal was to have another baby close to the birth of my second child - I might have just slipped out of that time frame.
Also, although I personally wanted to finish having kids in my early 40s - I am 41 now - I might extend that time frame to mid-40s. I have 9 embryos left so at least two or three more tries. But again, I want to take the weekend or so to decide if I want to try again right now. In the meantime, ALL my thoughts and prayers now shift to my Aussie friends, and hope each of their little beans continue to grow. They are such wonderful people and I have no doubt they will make wonderful parents! Plus I want to thank them as well as other SCI clients for your invaluable, priceless ongoing support. It means a lot to me.
Thank you for letting me share this part of my world with you.
After writing all of that, I am a matter-of-fact individual who logically focuses on what's next. Not that I don't wonder what went wrong but I also know even if that question can be answered, it won't make me personally feel any better - I appreciate that might not be the case for everyone. I also truly believe, what is meant to be, will be. So where do I go from here? Well, I'm not sure just yet. I will take the weekend or so to think about it. My goal was to have another baby close to the birth of my second child - I might have just slipped out of that time frame.
Also, although I personally wanted to finish having kids in my early 40s - I am 41 now - I might extend that time frame to mid-40s. I have 9 embryos left so at least two or three more tries. But again, I want to take the weekend or so to decide if I want to try again right now. In the meantime, ALL my thoughts and prayers now shift to my Aussie friends, and hope each of their little beans continue to grow. They are such wonderful people and I have no doubt they will make wonderful parents! Plus I want to thank them as well as other SCI clients for your invaluable, priceless ongoing support. It means a lot to me.
Thank you for letting me share this part of my world with you.
So sorry to read this news.. Devastating no matter how many children you have.. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your "what's meant to be" philosophy; when you open yourself up to accepting what life throws at you, everthing seems to work itself out. Do what feels right for you and your family. You'll be in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSending my condolences to you. I know no words can take away the pain now but you've certainly got the right mindset... whatever will be, will be. Maybe it'll happen a little further down the road than you had planned? Thinking of you and wishing you all the best in whatever you decide.
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sorry. Your frame of mind is inspiring. I suppose it is our true character that shows when the bad stuff happens. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI was very sad to read this news. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I went through something very similar not long ago so I can imagine your feelings.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
You are in our thoughts and prayers at this time. We pray that whatever will be in the future it will bring you much happiness. Take care and look after yourself and your family.
ReplyDeleteGosh, so so sorry. Please continue to share pregnancy #2 with us as I for one enjoy reading about your special family. Surrogacy is amazing, regardless of which country it's undertaken in! It's great you still have options in India too.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy. I know when we lost one of the twins at about 10 weeks I cried for days even though we still had 3 on the way. Our thoughts are with you and hope that everything goes well with other bubs.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear your news :(
ReplyDeleteThinking of you at this difficult time
Take care xx