Is He Yours?

Some of you are already experiencing this especially if you used an Indian egg donor (and you are not of a similar ethnicity). Some of us waiting in the wings could possibly experience this in the future. I might be a bit over-sensitive about this topic and not because I am embarrassed by any means. However, I do believe in being treated equally as well as respecting people's privacy. So to each his or her own.

Anyway, my son is bi-racial - half Chinese and half Caucasian. However, he completely looks Caucasian - sandy blond hair, extremely fair skin, and sky blue eyes. I have black hair, brown eyes, and do not have fair skin. I appreciate this is unique - one usually (but not always) can see the dominant Asian gene in half-Asian children. I have met an Asian-Caucasian straight couple whose biological children look completely Caucasian. Although I do understand people's curiosity about the connection my son has to me, I think to ask the question is not appropriate especially when he is older and can comprehend the question. It's worse when they asked if he's adopted. There's absolutely nothing wrong with adoption but to plant seeds of untruth about such matters into the minds of children is unnecessary. Also, biracial children are common here in Vancouver - we are a such a diverse city and have been for such a long time. Why does it matter anyway? I can think about hundreds of other topics to talk about relating to children.

Don't get me wrong - I don't jump down people's throats for asking the question. For those who I feel are friendly, I keep it simple by saying that he is my son. I will say the exact same thing again if they start getting specific about genetics. 99% they get the drift. At this time, I have yet to meet any nasty people who are pregnant or have children around - if that were the case, I would have no problems returning the question and asking if their children (or unborn child) were theirs, hers, or his. Fair is fair I think. Of course, I would remain considerate and not ask the question if their children were old enough to understand. I would just pull the parent aside or whisper to them, about the inappropriateness of those questions.

Although similar and stupid question is, where is his mother. You are looking at his mother - me! Mother is a role in my world and has nothing to do with genetics or what I have between my legs to be honest. I believe regardless of your gender, we all play parts of the "father" and "mother" role - of course, being single, I play both roles and enjoy doing so. Now, when it comes to female and male role models, that is different. I can never be a female role model - my son has his aunts, grandmother, and my female friends for that. Finally, why does it matter to you, a stranger, where his "mother" (e.g., egg donor, surrogate) is or his relationship with her? I just don't have such thoughts when I meet someone with their child. Again, so many other children-focused topics we can talk about.

Another reason beyond equality and privacy for keeping the answers to these questions short and vague is to stop people's opinions from entering my ears. Many people have uneducated opinions about surrogacy, surrogacy abroad, gay parenting, single parenting, single male parenting, how children should be raised, etc. - and they like to give their opinions without solicitation. My favourites? "I could never be a surrogate." My response? "No you can't - it takes a very special woman to be one." Another is, "every child should have a mom." My response? "Didn't you have a mom?" I know I sound mean and I'm really not - it's just that I have an extremely low tolerance for stupidity and disrespect. At work, I am paid  to listen to all employees and "care" - outside of work, I selectively listen to those who deserve it.

I know these situations will continue for some time, especially with a biracial daughter on her way and potentially more children from India. I will also continue growing my list of witty and not-so-witty responses. I appreciate that I also might be over-sensitive but it's truly less about me at the end of the day, and more about my children. I know I can't protect them from dumb questions forever but I will try as long as I can while educating and equipping them with the skills and knowledge to handle these situations when they arise.

Of course, all of the above is null and void for people in the surrogacy community. I am an open book and feel sharing experiences is helpful. I believe in giving back and helping others achieve their dreams via surrogacy. What strikes a nerve are people who just want to stir sh*t up or quench their curiosity.

Thank you for letting me share this part of my world with you!

Time, Energy, & Freedom

First off, I am half way through the 2ww! Another week to go - I will be holding my breath, waiting for the clinic's email. I am hoping for one of those rainbow BFP emails that I have seen - the ones with colourful words. I believe it's a regular email if it's a BFN. I truly believe that what is meant to be will be but of course, I would like to hear good news too.

OK, so I may or may not have talked about this before but because it comes up regularly - with strangers or new people I meet - I'm revisiting the topic. My family and friends know that being a parent is not a difficult role for me as my lifestyle suits it perfectly. Strangers or new people I meet (including those who are already parents) often refer to how parenting takes up a lot of energy and time, and how freedom is lost. Perhaps it's because my son has integrated seamlessly into my life but I don't feel he takes up that much energy or time, or that I've lost much freedom.

Freedom-wise, I have no problems taking him to various places whether it's locally in the city or travelling around the world. He's done his fair share of travelling with me around the world. I had no problems taking him to Australia when he was 3 months old. Sure, I can't just head out at night to grab milk without taking him along but I rarely did that anyway. Travelling-wise, I can still have those last-minute trips - I just have one more to pack for, which is not a difficult task.

Regarding time and energy, I think I use my time better now because of my son instead of him taking up my time. Although I am a natural planner and organizer, being responsible for a little one makes you even a sharper planner and organizer. I am also someone who doesn't need a lot of alone or me time. In fact, when I do need it (e.g., headache), my son is a brilliant independent self-entertainer - if I had conditioned him to be a needy child, perhaps that would have been different. Energy-wise, I would say he doesn't take up more physical energy - I guess if you sat on the couch 24/7 then yes but if you had a normal lifestyle with a mix of couch activities and outdoor activities, not much changes. You just use your energy time in a different way.

I will say that when it comes to mental energy, having a child does make you use up a lot more compared to when I didn't have a child. But this is normal because you are responsible for your child and you always want your child to feel well and happy. When my son is sick, I always feel stressed because I feel helpless - yes, I know what to do and look for but I can't instantly make him better. One also naturally gets concerned over their child's development if he or she is slightly behind even though you know everything comes with time including potty training *smile*

In the end, even if you feel having a child does take up more time/energy and will make you lose some freedoms, having a child brings so many new positive things into your life that you never had. I could list many things but you know what I'm talking about. Finally, no description can do justice to how you will feel when you finally fulfill your parenthood dreams.

Thank you for letting me share this part of my world with you!

Sharing My Journeys

Initially, I wanted to keep my posts focused on my journey in India. I felt if I shared too much about my son or current surrogacy pregnancy on home soil, some might perceive it as bragging or flaunting, which is not my intent. I am very proud of my son - he is my raison d'etre (reason for being) - and know how it feels when the dream of parenthood finally comes true after wanting it for so long, and I genuinely want that for everyone who have come to Dr. S as their dream maker. I know for a fact when the two couples I befriended in India finally become parents, I will cry like a baby. I get teary just reading blogs of strangers achieving their parenthood dreams let alone people I have spent some quality time with! I keep us all in my prayers and thoughts as we get through the 2ww.

Anyway, I look forward to potentially a surprise gender reveal in India in 9 months. For my current surrogacy journey on home soil, I am happy to share that my son will be a big brother to a little sister in late January/early February. I found out the gender the evening before I left for India. Like many, I am hoping for a healthy baby and gender is irrelevant. After saying that, another son would have been "easier" given the boy stuff I already have (same season as my son's birth) plus just the fact that I know boys and their parts best. A daughter will be a wonderful new adventure and I know there's nothing tremendously different except cleaning "down there" and even that is not rocket science. It's just the unknown so that makes me think a bit more. I am thrilled nonetheless and now I can finally go right and left when I'm shopping for children's clothing! LOL!

With one son and one daughter on the way, I think about what I may potentially have in India. As long as the baby or babies are healthy, that is all that matters. Because I will have one of each, I really have no preference. To be honest, I'm more curious if I have have two, one, or none. We shall see how things progress. In the end, I do feel so lucky and blessed to have this one last shot at building my family. With one or two babies in India, my family would definitely be complete.

Thank you for letting me share this part of my world with you!